Why you should use the word “die” when talking with grieving clients

Stuart J. Birkel, CSA, has served 442 death claims in the last 25 years. One of the biggest insights Birkel learned took years to acquire (thanks to a seminar on grief) and a lot of courage to implement the first time: using the word “die.”

“I was nervous as heck to say it,” Birkel recalled, having previously always asked clients “How did they pass?” or expressing condolences with “I’m sorry they left us.” “It left it too open-ended for me, and I found that the clients would take a lot longer in making a decision on what they might need to do, as opposed to me stating ‘When your spouse died,’” he said. “The more succinct you can be, the faster they get through the grieving process.”

A lot of times, though, Birkel just, in his words, “shows up and shuts up.” This is how he knows where the client is emotionally for their first in-person meeting after a preliminary phone call (when Birkel indicates a claim form will need to be signed after there is a death certificate).

While some clients may say “I’m not ready to talk about money yet,” others may very quickly move the conversation to worrying about their income and what they can do about it. He is careful to work according to their timeline, never pushing them into making a decision. He has had clients come back two years after going through the death claim, only then wanting to discuss new income strategies. In the meantime, Birkel checks in every three months.

Read more about how to talk with clients who have experienced a loss in the May/June Round the Table cover story “Mourning lessons”

Written by Matt Pais, MDRT Content Specialist