Struggling with self doubt? Change the conversation in your head

Your brain works hard to protect you. Yet it can also keep you stuck when it compares you to others, critiques you and excessively cautions you. After 12 years practicing medicine and interviewing thousands of patients, I’ve found that one emotion driving this is fear.

This fear often shapes how you show up professionally and personally. Fortunately, you can change the conversation in your head and move past fear.

Identify the underlying fear

Here’s a simple exercise to uncover what’s really driving your thoughts:

• The next time you feel stuck or overwhelmed, ask yourself:
  What would that say about me?
• Repeat the question five to seven times, not just once.

Most people eventually arrive at these similar conclusions:

• Fear of not being good enough
• Fear of failure
• Fear of rejection
• Fear that something bad will happen

These fears show up everywhere — from client meetings to career milestones to personal relationships. Recognizing them by name reduces their power and keeps you from repeatedly being pulled under by these familiar but harmful patterns.

Change the channel on negative self-talk

Once you recognize fear, the next step is to change how you respond to it.

1. Talk to yourself in the third person

Ethan Kross, Ph.D., author of “Shift: Managing Your Emotions—So They Don’t Manage You,” recommends using your name when speaking to yourself internally.

Instead of using “I” or “you,” try

• “[Your name], you got this.”
• “[Your name], it’s going well.”

Research shows that third-person self-talk creates emotional distance and makes self-compassion more natural.

2. Practice mental time travel

When something doesn’t go as planned, such as losing a client or missing a goal, our brains often assume the feeling will last forever.

Pause and ask yourself, Would this bother me in one month? In three months? In six months?

• Most of the time, the answer is no. We’re poor predictors of how long emotions will last. This small shift can instantly reduce their intensity.

3. Borrow perspective from someone you trust

You’re probably excellent at giving advice, but much harder on yourself.

When you’re stuck, ask

• What would someone I respect do in this situation?
• What advice would my best friend give me?
• How would a mentor or colleague respond?

Seeing your challenge through someone else’s eyes often reveals more compassionate and practical options.

Your brain’s job isn’t to make you happy. Its job is to keep you safe and focused on what feels familiar. That’s why intentionally choosing your mindset makes a meaningful difference.

Shahana Alibhai is a professional speaker, family physician and mental health expert. This was excerpted from her 2025 MDRT Global Conference presentation, “Three ways to speak to yourself more kindly.” (MDRT member-exclusive content)

For more about the power of your mindset

• Read “Staying calm under pressure: Mindfulness for tough talks”
• Watch “Change your mind and qualify for Top of the Table” (MDRT member-exclusive content)